May 2012

Things I’m afraid to tell you

I’ll start this post by quoting Ez: “I am encouraged and honored to be a part of this beautiful community of bloggers who are willing to make themselves vulnerable in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place. Here goes…”:

Here’s my candid segment where I join the ranks of my favorite bloggers to open up and share my story, not just the perfect and pristine aspects of of life we often see portrayed on our favorite blogs. Maquette is actually not a blog where I share too much information. I’ve always used it as sort of a visual archive. I share photos I’m inspired by, daily drawings, published work and some tiny tidbits of life. Still, I’ve been blogging for 4 years and I feel the urge to share more.

My favorite blogs are written by creative and passionate people. They give us a peek into who they are and how they tick. I think it will be cathartic for me to share my thoughts and feelings on being a working illustrator and mom and wife living in New York City. It’s also a very daunting thing to open my door and share the truth and not just the pretty stuff. I do have a wonderful life but I have trials and tribulations just like you and just like those gleamingly beautiful bloggers we all admire (Erin, Anne and Ez). While I love my career and have been enjoying some of the most fulfilling and exciting projects of my life, I’m also coping with losing my dad, raising a 2 year old, juggling lots of projects and my daily struggles with self doubt.

Things I’m Afraid to tell you:

1. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I try to be happy but it’s definitely a struggle for me. I always have goals. Goals are great but not when they preclude you from enjoying the now. I rarely sit down, take a deep breath and say to myself “everything’s good, everything’s ok”. I’m never good enough for myself and I’ll never be successful until the next thing, even if I get the next thing….there’s always another thing.
2. I’m fueled by anxiety. I feel the fragility of life and the limit of time. I have the fear that the work I’m doing now, the projects I’m excited about will dry up and nobody will want to hire me to do illustration and nobody will want to see my work. I’m scared of getting older. Will I be able to keep up?
3. I’m terrified of being left alone. It’s my biggest fear in fact. Will I lose more people I love? Losing my dad was the worst thing that ever happened to my family.
4. I’m the worst home-maker. My husband does way more domestic tasks than I do. I load the dishwasher and make Henry’s lunch but he makes breakfast everyday, does the laundry, taxes and bills. I feel guilty about it but I’m selfish.
5. I know Henry is so happy and healthy and I know Dave loves me but I don’t know if I show them just how much I adore them.
6. I’m messy. I don’t put cloths away neatly and there are piles of artwork on my printer and ink splotches on my desk.
7. I never exercise. I used to jog all the time but never picked it up after Henry was born. I was freelancing in illustration and teaching art and I just never made time for it. Now I’m solely a freelance illustrator and I still never make time for it. I can’t say that I don’t “have” time I just don’t make it. I feel terrible about myself and know that I’d feel better if I did it but still I don’t.

Ok, I was open with you and now I feel terribly self indulgent. I’d love to get some comments here from my readers. Do you want me to share this kind of stuff or just be quiet and share pretty photos of Bridget Bardot?

(photo/watercolor collaboration by me and Heather Culp)